Thursday, August 23, 2012

Random Thoughts

This one is going to be random.  I'm feeling a little scatterbrained this morning.

I was listening to 98.5 The Sports Hub in Boston on the way to work this morning.  They aired an interview that was taped last night at Lelacher Park in Lowell.  It brought back some painful memories for me.

They interviewed The Dog Man.

My father and I had a split season ticket package for the Lowell Spinners.  The first game I went to I saw this idiot selling hot dogs.  He was The Dog Man... you know what?  I'm not capitalizing the name anymore, he was the dog man.  He was an old guy with a hat that was similar to the Disney Goofy hats with the dog ears hanging off the side.  He was selling hot dogs and yelling so loud he could drown out the park's PA system.  My first thought was, wow, they sure do like the bush league crap here in the minor leagues.  By the start of the second game I was hoping that lightning would hit him or something.  Anything to shut him up.

Then in 1998 the Lock Monsters started playing AHL hockey in Lowell.  I went to a couple of games the first year, a whole bunch the second year, and from the third year on I was a season ticket holder.  For the first few years the dog man was selling hot dogs at the Tsongas Arena.  As bad as his yelling like a moron was at Spinners games, it was 10 times worse in an indoor arena.  Our seats were in the last row of our section and every time he walked by I would fantasize about someone giving him a shove and sending him hurtling down the stairs.

Ah memories.

Change of Subject

So the Republican National Convention is this weekend in Tampa.  There is a chance that a hurricane might hit the area.  If that happens, would it be entirely hypocritical of me to publically state that it was God's will?  That it was a sign that God wants us all to vote Democrat?  Yes, it would be totally and completely hypocritical of me to say such things, but knowing that is not going to stop me if it actually happens.  I've never rooted for a hurricane before.  Let's go Isaac!  I don't want anyone hurt, or any damage or any thing, I just want the Republicans to have a little message from their lord and savior to mull over while they plan their platform.

While I'm on the subject of the Republican platform, I want to clear up a little confusion for folks like Todd Akin and Paul Ryan.  There have been questions lately about what is the true definition of rape.  I'd like to provide those who are confused with a clear and concise definition.  Consider this a public service.

If a man is having sex with a woman, and the woman does not want to have sex, then it is rape.  It doesn't matter what she was wearing before hand.  It doesn't matter if she was dressed like a slut.  It doesn't matter if she is a slut.  It doesn't matter if she's put out for all of your friends already.  It doesn't matter if she's a prostitute and you just handed over your pay check.  It doesn't matter if she's someone you will never see again.  It doesn't matter if she's a friend of a friend.  It doesn't matter if you are dating her.  It doesn't matter if you are in a committed relationship with her.  It doesn't matter if you are married to her.  It doesn't matter if she acted like she was willing before the ball got rolling.  It doesn't matter if she was in fact willing before the deed began.  It doesn't matter if you are one twitch away from the finish line.  It doesn't matter if she doesn't yell.  It doesn't matter if she doesn't fight.

If she doesn't want you to do it, and you still do it, then you are a rapist.  Congratulations.  It's perfectly black and white.  If it happens against her wishes, then it's rape.  There can be a million different circumstances leading up to the actual act.  It doesn't matter.  If she has a line and you cross it, then it's rape.  Plain and simple.  I don't see what all the confusion is about.  If you are a man and she says no then act like a man and stop.  If you don't, then you are not a man.  You are a dog.  You are slime.  You are a rapist.  It's such a simple concept.  I hope that clears things up for Todd and Paul.

Change of Subject Again

Kinda hard to change subject to something frivolous after that, but I think I can do it.  How about we go to sports.  That should lighten the mood a little.

Bartolo Colon was busted for performance enhancers yesterday.  Let us look at his recent past, shall we? Colon pitched for the Indians and was awesome.  Colon pitched for the Angels and was awesomer.  Colon got lazy.  Colon got fat.  Colon stopped being awesome.  Colon bounced around the majors and minors for a couple of years, including a stop in Boston that was spent being fat and out of shape and in the minors and on the DL for the majority of the season.

I should point out that "fat" is a relative term.  When I say Colon was fat, I mean he was fat for a major league baseball player.  He wasn't fat the way that I am fat.  If he were he would never have been able to play at all.  Compared to me he was a skinny little guy.  Compared to the rest of the big leagues, he was a complete tubalard.

Anyway, this year Colon signs with the Oakland A's and pitches well.  I believe he has 10 wins this year.  Better than Beckett or Lester.  Now, surprise surprise surprise, he is busted by the league for using synthetic testosterone.

My question to MLB is:  What the hell took you so long?  If there is anyone in the majors who is without a doubt taking a performance enhancing drug, it's Bartolo Colon!  I would have been testing him daily.  Happy 50 game suspension, Bartolo.  Maybe you and Melke Cabrera can start a website together.

In hockey news, prior to hearing the interview with the horrible, awful dog man, it was mentioned that one Bruins player was hopeful that the NHL season would only be locked out until November.  Most people are saying January.  I have already given up.  I'm done.  The league does not deserve my loyalty.  Good bye.

Okay... there were a couple of other random things, but I forget what I wanted to say.  Maybe later.


Until then...

Wish my brother a happy birthday.

Happy Birthday, John!

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